45 Days

I really should wait until there are only 40 days left to write this post, because it would make it that much more symbolic or poetic or both. Alas, I don't know if I will want to write or have time to write 5 days from now. I guess there is a little symbolism in 45 days. Right now I feel pretty okay. After 40 days and nights in the ark, I am sure Noah's family felt more than a little thankful when the rain stopped. And I feel certain that there is going to be a lot of rain falling from my eyes in the days to come.

And yet I wonder about that. I really have disengaged myself from the outside culture this year. I haven't done it intentionally or even very consciously. It just happened. I haven't tried to expand my understanding of China or learn more language at all. I haven't made new friends. And I haven't really pursued relationships with students. Within my foreign bubble, I have eaten fewer meals in Peter Hall and focused more on pre-established relationships than new ones. So...I guess I am trying to let go?

Part of it might be because my job shifted somewhat this year. I went from working 18 hours in a classroom to 10, and from working only on teaching related stuff to also working on administrative stuff. For the introverted side of my personality, it has been a welcome change. I am not nearly as exhausted at the end of my work week when I once interacted with 250 or so students (not to mention the 120+ foreigners in my apartment building). Now I have about 130 students. And I spend more time working with one or two of the oral English leaders. (Being in leadership has naturally had an effect on potential relationships.) Once again, work has somewhat redirected my focus and taken me away from other "upworthy" causes. I don't feel guilty because I believe and know that Dad uses all things for good and that I have served in other ways, within the foreign community, even if it isn't the same way I had done in the past or thought I came to do initially.

So I guess you could say that I have somewhat unknowingly kept myself from strengthening any roots or forming new ones. And while I don't feel very much right now, the reality of June is going to settle into my heart and mind at some point. I just hope it isn't the last week I am here.